[Journal - 2005, Anyway]

2005, Anyway

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I'm so much at peace. Snow is falling outside, and colder temparatures have been promised. The heating in my room is humming; it is the background noise of my happiness.

It's been an incredible year 2005. So many changes.

For the first time in history, my country is governed by a female chancellor. This is great news, no matter how miserable the state of politics might otherwise be, if only for the change.

I have vacationed in a new country (Sweden), even done some camping for the first time in almost two decades. Then, I have moved to a new appartment, and it's great.

But more has changed for me personally.

At some point late in 2004, I have stumbled upon a web log where a test was posted - a list consisting of 200 items that one may or may not have done in life. It included things like having flown an airplane, performed a strip, having been arrested, and some more mundane things.

What struck me was an item titled Thought that you're actually living your dream? I'm not going to dwell on my past emotional states, but let's just say that then it did not seem right to me to answer that question with a straight Yes.

Then, exactly one year ago, I remembered having spent half of my life in freedom by that day.

It's amazing how a few little things can trigger, perhaps even cause, a series of changes in life. It basically comes down to a matter of choice, or a matter of what you want: Do I want to be living my dream?

Obviously, one can choose a lifestyle and habits, and otherwise make decisions that affect one's life. More importantly, and that's something I only fully understand in retrospect, choice is possible with regard to attitudes, basic convictions, even philosophical or spiritual beliefs.

A year ago I drank alcohol almost every day. Just one or two beers mostly, which might be considered socially acceptable over here, but I did realize that my craving was more for the substance, not the taste. This year, I have cut back on drinking, and been a teetotaller for three straight months, and I will keep it this way.

By the end of last year, I was at least 15 kilos overweight; now I'm very comfortably weighing even less than the "recommended" weight.

Then, I had food fests every night, fighting boredom and frustration. My diet consisted of fast food, ready meals, and greasy restaurant food. Now, I still eat meat, but it's limited to a few dishes that I truly enjoy. Mostly, I consume vegetables, much of it raw. My diet is quite varied, and I have rediscovered foods long forgotten. I have begun to enjoy cooking, even.

Last year, I had trouble sleeping and serious back aches from sitting in the office, and wasn't very active physically. Now, I enjoy going for an uphill run first thing in the morning.

A year ago, the music I listened to had to be (to my taste), weird, cool, or let's say funky at least. Today, I actively choose happy music, regularly cycling the CDs in my home stereo.

I used to over-read news and opinion pieces in newspapers and magazines whose editorial tendencies reflected my general political convictions. I used to watch the news two or three times a day, just like watching TV was the default filler activity for the evening. Now, I do not even own a TV set anymore. I don't even buy those high-quality national newspapers anymore, whose columnists are so eager to please my intellect and editorialize so reasonably.

Then, I slaved in a job, sloppily checking off items on to-do-lists that seemed less and less real to me. Recently, I have whole-heartedly put an end to that. I vow to pursue projects I like for the rest of my life.

In 2004, my biggest concern when being among others was to protect my ego, to win arguments, and appear in a favorable light. When my attention came on others, it was about control. Now, I try finding peace by changing my attitudes and actions, and trying to resolve conflicts in myself.

I also used to live in a long-term relationship that I basically ran away from. Both her and I have agreed to part, though the final proposal for that wasn't mine. I wish her all the best. I understand that I messed up big time, not with a single act, but by who I had become over the years. The only way I can, and want to, attract a mate again is by becoming a better person. That knowledge keeps away any sorrow over having lost the one I still love.

That's enough from the personal side. Let's finish this one off with some Gregor.NET project news:

I have converted the remaining three VB.NET projects of the Gregor.NET framework to C# (Gregor.Editing, Gregor.AppCore, Gregor.Inet). Why am I moving away from VB?

For the conversion process, I have used a custom tool that operates on a per-line basis, regular expression replacements, and some manual editing. Again, strict coding conventions have paid off, as they have in the C++/CLI conversion of the Gregor.WinShell project. Things have gone smoothly; the only errors I've encountered so far came not from the conversion itself, but rather from some reckless refactoring I attempted "while at it".

Whidbey, aka .NET 2.0, is great. I'm using generics more and more, and things are really paying off. It's exciting, just like .NET Beta 1 back in 2000.

I wish you all the best for 2006.